I don’t like people. To be involved with people requires a capacity for relationships I’m not sure I possess. I am seriously introverted. I have fantasies about living in a cave. Alone. Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and son more than my next breath, but even more than eight years into our marriage, getting out of my own head and being present in the room is a constant struggle.
The problem is, I have this sneaking suspicion that the life of an Apologist requires relationships, interaction, participation in things that happen outside of my own mind. I don’t know if I’m ready or even equipped for that. You see, that first line isn’t actually true, I love people as long as I can keep them at arms length. When it gets messy I tend to want to retreat, disengage, walk away.
I had other scriptures with which to admonish myself but as I’m sitting here typing one came to mind that is often misused but is likely tailored to convict me now.
” If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” (1 Corinthians 13:1-2 NIV)
I’m 100% preaching to myself right now, but if I have any designs on building a ministry to reach people apologetically for Christ and can’t truly embrace people as they are and build relationships with them or if I’m winning arguments instead of winning hearts, “I am nothing.” My prayer right now as I write this is, that in the coming weeks, God would open my heart more than ever before to the real felt struggles of people all around me. Lord help me to,
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15 NIV).
Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours.